From Years Past: Vol. 1

 March 3rd, 1999. I was sixteen. I wrote a list of things I wanted in my diary, they are as follows:

1.  an eye brow wax
2. Japanese fighting fish
3. a lover

I wanted a lover at sixteen. I watched too many movies. 
Then comes the sentimental list of qualities I wanted in this perfect 'lover (and there were ellipses after every thought)...

• I want to be in love...
• I want to feel the warmth...
• I want to feel the sensation...
• I want to feel excited...
• I want to feel safe and secure in his arms...
• I want to feel his body next to mine as the sun rises...
• I want him to kiss my forehead...
• I want to feel his mind...
• I want him to love me forever...

Forever? Really? I was so obsessive about love then, and still am. 
Also, I made a hell of a lot of spelling errors. Stupid ones.

See, I am like really disappointed  with all the guys now. Really! Sure, I am attracted to them (very few). But nothing is different. They are all the same. I'm gonna wait till I get to college.

I can't believe I was 'disappointed' with the opposite sex at sixteen.
Du, duh, duh. Foreshadowing.
I basically just set myself up for constant disappointment. Who can live up a sixteen year old girl's fantasy of perfect love?

At seventeen, I had my first kiss followed by my first boyfriend. Apparently, I wasn't scared of being with him, I was scared of the strength of my feelings. I was a little bat crazy.

He said I was a work of art. 
Under a white sheet. 
He kisses with soft heat. 
how perfectly beautiful he is,
with smiles, and blinks. 
so alive. 
eyes wide. 
Perfect. 
he asks permission.
I always say 
yes.