For some reason, every year come Christmas Eve, I have a thought that it just doesn't feel like Christmas. Not to me. I suppose that's because I'm no longer eight, and the holiday doesn't hold as much magic and excitement. There is no longer that all encompassing anticipation.
The whole gift aspect of Christmas is something that I always look forward to, but I had a very limited budget for gifts this year, so the shopping experience was more frustrating then pleasurable. Everything feels off this year. It's the first Christmas where I feel a disconnect from the joy of the season. Instead I feel distracted. My mind is utterly preoccupied. I can't stop thinking about how unhappy I am. Unhappy in my job. Unhappy with myself as an artist, unhappy in the fact that I haven't had a date in three years. (And I refuse to count my Brazilian stalker who asked me out repeatedly for over a year, and the married Orkin man as possible solutions to a lonely Friday night).
I think I've finally come to the point where I am ready to stop being so scared of life. I've gotten so miserable that my fear is beginning to feel not so threatening. Because right now, ANYTHING is better then where I am.
I hate all this real life stuff. It hurts.
But right now I need to focus on my family and the holidays. But it's a struggle. I have to actively remain engaged.
The only good thing about feeling the way that I do is that it brings my life into perspective. My emotional state has become a kind of spiritual experience. I just need to hold onto the hope, and prepare for change. And I need to remember that wherever I am is a good is a good place to start.
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