Through the Window...

You know that gut wrenching feeling when it seems as if you are on the outside looking in? A vividly clear image comes to mind of my palms pressed against a frosty window pane, peering in on room full of people, happy and warm - laughing by a roaring fair.

It's a cliche portrait, absolutely. But often, that's how I feel when I see others doing what they love - what brings them meaning and joy . I look at these people and am starved. I feel bad for myself - and that's dangerous. I want to feel hopeful, not defeated.

Maybe I'm slowing hitting my "rock bottom". I've been swimming through a undefinable grey goo for months - in a way, I almost want to hit some kind of bottom, then I can start the climb back up to the top. Instead I just keep treading in the muck.

What I needed for Christmas was strength... and direction
Or maybe just patience....

I'm not sure I got any of these.

Lord, grant me patience.

What I want most is a home. My own home. My own apartment where I can wear pajamas all day and drink coffee from my mother's old tea set. Where I can build a nest with the man I love - a place that's ours. A place where we can have quiet Sunday mornings reading  and laughing in the sun.

I have so many dreams for that home.

It's been over a year now since I've had my own apartment and I miss it everyday. I ache for it. I didn't think that living out of a suitcase would be this difficult for me. But, I miss my belongings - my books, my photos and artwork, my shower curtain and towels - my own bed. I'm starting to think that one of the reasons I have yet to feel settled in this crazy town is that I am still a nomad - which goes completely against my own nature. I am domestic. I don't like traveling from place to place to place every several months. I need a home base where I recharge, and recharging in New York City has been difficult since all I have is a room to myself. But I am truly thankful for the wonderful people I live with and for the opportunity to stay in such an adorable neighborhood.

Thank god that my truly loving and amazing boyfriend bought me a tiny Christmas tree this year otherwise I would have been a mess. It would have been my second year in a row without my own place and my own tree. Nigel bought me the tinest tree in Manhattan, than strapped it to his back, and biked it to Queens for a surprise delivery. And I was so surprised! I was so touched by such a small thing. He is my truest love.

Christmas is my favorite time of year - but with the joy, celebration, and endless amount of homemade cookies, comes the reflection of myself on it, which then leads to the question I have been asking myself for the past year....What am I doing with my life?

What is my next step?
What other things could I be doing?
WHAT AM I DOING?????
What, for the love of GOD am I DOING????
What do I want?
What do I want to be doing???
What....?!

God, Help Me.

There are so many questions that just loop over and over and over again in my mind. It's exhausting.

The only thing that seems to put me at ease somewhat is considering other things I can explore in the meantime, but as soon as I think there is something I want to try, I get bored with the idea all too quickly. Ugh! I have never been this indecisive in my life! It feels to strange to be so interested in something one moment and so blase about it the next.

Sewing.
Blogging.
Art.

Blah.

Ideas just keep popping to the forefront of my mind then suddenly disappearing.

I try to make plans - set goals for myself, and I can't keep them.
I try to watch what I'm eating, and then I binge.
I try writing down my feelings but get supremely annoyed with the sound of my own thoughts inside my head. Basically - I annoy myself.

My mother suggests that I pray - which is all I seem to do now a days. I have always prayed in my life, but I can't say that I have ever felt that anything has come of it. It's mostly comforting, and a chance to reach out to my Creator who is ( I am sure )VERY busy listening to the billions of others more in need of his help and love than me right now.

But I can't help being selfish. I really wish he listen to me first.

What I need is a next step - a sign.
I hope he shows me something soon.

I am missing Chicago more than ever.