Actor?

I write this with pain, and sadness as I feel deep in my heart that I can't call myself an actor. Maybe that will change, but for now - it seems to be the truth. And without that title, I don't know what I am. And the reason I don't know what or who I am is because I have made "being an actor" my identity. It was the thing that gave me a place in this crazy world. Someday, all the hard work would pay off and I would great - and everyone else would think so too.

I am ashamed of myself.
I am being weak.

I haven't felt like a member of the artist community for so long - and it's my fault. And fact that it's my fault makes me so angry at myself I can't even tell you.

Friends and artists I respect have been gracious enough to ask me to be apart of their own projects, or things they are working on over the years. And I am honored to be thought of at all - really honored. I feel so insecure about my abilities as an actor. I lost my confidence a long time ago - and the strength -somewhere. And this makes it hard for me to battle the awful thought, that my dear friends are including me simply because they feel bad for me. Whether this is actual truth is irrelevant - the problem is me. I have a hard time listening to reason. I somehow feel there is no other alternative because clearly my work isn't that great.

The theatre hasn't felt like a home to me since graduate school. Now it feels like a party that I showed up to late, and without an invitation, and everyone it too nice to tell me otherwise.

Last year, I assistant directed a show with some amazing people for an amazing theatre company. But due to my work schedule, I wasn't able to commit to it as much I wanted to, which in turn made me feel like I didn't really contribute anything. I really wanted this experience to be the beginning of resurgence. I put a lot of pressure on myself, but there just wasn't enough time. I was also left out of the program - I am sure by mistake, but it hurt me more then I ever admitted at the time. Now it feels like foreshadowing.

I know how awful and self pitying this sounds. It is. I just don't know how else to express myself right now.

The one good thing out all this - I now know I cannot be an actor because I want people to like me, or to be considered talented or special. I cannot be an actor for self worth. I am having this crisis because I think I have been acting for the wrong reasons - not because I loved it above all things - but because it made me worthy.

Acting was fun to begin with - and often still is. And I did love it - but it's the pressure of it all that makes it seem like it wasn't worth it - that I wasn't worth it.

To be perfect, to be thin, to be the best - to get the role.

The constant headache and heartache is so much to bear. And it's always been that way for me. I've always felt a deep sense of identity loss when I wasn't cast in something. I questioned who I was every time. I didn't know how to be strong. I knew how to fake it. I didn't know how to not shrink inside when I wasn't chosen.

Somehow other people's successes meant I was less than - it's a very self-centered and destructive way of thinking. I remember seeing my cousin play the lead in "Annie Get Your Gun" when I was a teenager and I cried with envy through most of the show and in the car on the way home. She was perfect and in turn I felt like nothing. I felt so much shame for having the feelings I did. Was I a bad person? I was always in a spiral of shame - and still am. My brother has filmed a movie and been cast in a webseries, and he isn't an actor....I have a master's degree and I can't even get a callback...

The worst part of all this - is that this is NOT THE TRUTH. I know other's successes do not determine my own, and yet my insecurity is so thick it's hard to see the truth.

I do celebrate other people's successes - we MUST in this business! It's SO important. But I still feel that evil presence in the back of my mind chanting "They are better than you, that's why they are working and you are not."

There are so many people I love who will be so disappointed in me if I give up for good.

I don't want to disappointment them and I am tired of disappointing myself.

But how do I get through all this?