Living in Discomfort

A couple months ago, I made a goal for myself that I would write a blog post every week...

Ha.

I thought making a list of goals was a great idea - I was making an effort to be proactive and to take control of my "new" life in New York. Well - months have gone by, and I just feel too tired to do anything. Although, my life has progressed, for sure. I have said goodbye (and good riddance) to the hospitality/hotel business forever - YES! - and have landed the first job to ever make me feel like an adult. I work as an admin in a quiet office and I get to sit and wear my own clothes! I can work at my own pace and I don't have to ask someone to cover me if I need to use the restroom. I get to work with dear friends I have known for years, and of course, I've received a massive pay raise. For the first time in my life, I can start to pay off my student loans and even put some money away for savings. I can start planning a secure future. And for that fact, I feel very thankful - I know I am lucky.

And the best part - I no longer have an insane work schedule. I work normal business hours! I can have a life! Yes - this is a great thing. It also means I can go on auditions - but the problem is - I have no desire to go on auditions. I don't really have a desire to act....right now....at all.

Last week I was on the train going to work - and I over heard two girls talking to each other - one was on her way to an audition for 'A Chorus Line', and the other (also an actress) was on her way to one of her three part-time jobs. The more I listened to them talk about their difficult lifestyles, their careers and what "type" they think they are or what roles they 'totally' deserve - I felt an overwhelming sense of relief, and I thought,"Thank god I'm not going to an audition".

I've been making excuses for a long time about not acting. But, I think I couldn't accept how uninterested I was in it all - and how ashamed I felt about not having the desire to do it. Being an actor is really all I know. I made a choice to commit to that life a long time ago - and of course, I didn't bother to develop any other skills in the meantime. I thought acting made me special (which is ironic considering there are so many actors in the world). A life in the theatre feels so far away.

So, what do I do? What am I now?

I have been dreading writing a blog post for a long time - feeling like I can't even wrap my head around my feelings of confusion. But - I need to try and make sense of this to some degree -  I'm going mad.

It's so strange to not have a desire to do what I once loved. It feels empty. Confusing. But mostly very lonely.

I don't have a next step. I can't seem to decide on one. All I do is work and eat away the stress. I've gained weight - again. My confidence is waining. I keep having intense dreams that border on nightmarish. I have night sweats - and I'm exhausted all the time. I can't seem to gage my body let alone control it. I am working very hard not to distract myself with food or shopping, which is all I want to bury myself in these days.

So, I guess I will leave it at this - here I am, and I'm not sure what to do next.