Running on Empty

I haven't felt much like an artist in months. Maybe even over a year. Or two.

It's awful. Terrifying.

And Shameful.

I could always blame this on the fact that I haven't been cast in a show, but the majority of actors and artists I know still manage to feed their soul in between gigs. They also have hobbies...

I need a hobby.

For some reason, I have not been able to stay in the game, but it's not for lack of trying. I've been on many auditions, took a class, done some readings, but it feels like I can't get my toe in the door. It seems like everyone around me is taking steps forward, passing me by, and I'm just running in place. I see people I love succeed in their art (which is wonderful), but it makes me ask the forever damning question of "Why not me?"

Why am I not making a mark on the world?

Why am I not being cast? Why am I not being called back? I realize I sound a little like a petulant child, but I really do wonder, why do I have the short end of the stick right now? It seems like I've been in this position for almost two years. The feeling of failure is so strong...it's so tempting to lock myself away with only a never ending supply ice cream and Jane Austen. Seriously.

But when I crawl back out into the light from my dark hole of despair, I realized one very serious fact - I haven't felt passion in a long time. Every project I have auditioned for (save a few) I didn't really have a connection to or even cared much about. I wasn't moved, I just went on the audition for the sake of auditioning, which I thought was what I was "supposed" to be doing as an actor.

Turns out I was doing a lot of things I thought I was "supposed" to be doing. Somehow, I couldn't separate what I personally wanted and what I thought I should be doing, it all seemed like the same thing. But I guess over time, the "shoulds" and "supposed to's" became the only thing that drove me. I did things out of guilt and by comparing myself to others. I am almost convinced that is why I haven't been able to break into this business. I was in school for so long, being spoon fed what makes an actor an artist, that I never really decided anything for myself.

And I never questioned that spoon. It never even occurred to me to ever question it. I just said, "Yes, ma'am" and opened my mouth wider. I couldn't discover the kind of artist I wanted to be because I was taking everyone else's advice about the kind of artist THEY thought I should be. I have followed that for so long that now...I don't know what I am.

I just want to feel full again - filled to the brim with that drive I miss so much. I know I have it. I can feel it. It's just completely locked down tight. And I know the only way to release it is to find what moves me, what ignites me. And this is SO scary because I have always relyed on myself as an actor, it's part of my identity....and, what if it's not my forte? What if I spent all this time and money studying something that I'm not very good at?

So...what do I do now?

I have an opportunity to assistant direct, and I'm going to take it. I'm nervous about doing it, not just because I have little experience in directing, but...what if I'm better at that than acting? What if I like it better than acting?

Why do I think acting is such a lofty career and makes me important?

Eh. I'm exhausted.

I just hope this ignites something in me and allows me to explore new artistic outlets.

Say a prayer. Fingers crossed.