The Terror of Shakespeare

Last night was bad.

Really bad.

It's only the second session of my Shakespeare class and I am completely tormented.

Horrified.
On the verge of tears.

The assignment for this week's class was basic monologue work: to have looked up unfamiliar words, set up what your character is responding to, and of course, scan the piece...

I failed at two of the three.

I felt completely "shown up" by the other students' preparation and their understanding of the text. When it was finally my turn to present my assignment, I was so petrified. It's already three hours into the class, and even though we have been going over scansion all night, I am still having  trouble. I have always had trouble with scansion. Many of the students in this class are musically trained, so they are easily adjusting to the nature and rhythm of the scansion.

I have taken several Shakespeare classes. I know scansion, I am very familiar with First Folio - how are these musical theatre actors more adept for this than I am?

I have been assigned Hermione from 'The Winter's Tale' for this class. I know the play (we did a production when I was in grad school) although I have only read it once. Well, apparently, I need to re-read it more carefully. I was utterly embarrassed when I couldn't fully explain specific moments in my monologue. I flushed, and felt stupid - and that feeling of stupidity was so strong it was hard to get through my work in front of the class without tears - but I held them back.

I CANNOT BREAK.
I will not break.

I have two incredible teachers leading this class. They came to me so highly recommended, and I felt very certain that by taking their class, I would be in good hands. They are unbelievably passionate about Shakespeare and his work - which in turn makes the class excited and attentive. But I find that their passion and exuberance can be a little overwhelming- and I know this is because I associate a lot of insecurity and negativity with Shakespeare. I don't just want to like Shakespeare, I want to love Shakespeare. I thought that by the first class, I would have had some kind of realization which would lead me to a membership in the "I F*cking Love Shakespeare" club that most actors I know are apart of....but I just feel stupid.

Just stupid.

And when I say stupid, I don't mean, "Oh, I feel a little dumb that I don't understand this on the first read" - No, I mean, "Umm...is this English? It looks like it, but I don't understand anything...God, I just spent two hours looking up all the words I didn't know..Dammit, I read the play! - how do I still not get what the f*ck is going ON?"

I always have a hard time simply understanding Shakespeare's meaning. He has written truly amazing words- but most of the time, I can't put them together to make an image, or if they do create an image in my mind - it's still seems out of focus. But the worst part is I whatever I do, I can't make it very personal. I can't personalize his work because I don't fully understand the specificity of the text. It's all a double-edged sword.

As I listened to my classmates work on their pieces, I was surprised how much everyone really took to the material. Even though there were questions and some confusion initially, almost everyone completely understood what they were saying...

I looked down at my monologue -  and the shame spiral begins- and just in time for me to share my definitions. I often had to refer to a separate sheet where I had listed all my words and their meaning - but soon after I began, one of my teachers stopped me - and made an amazing point: if you have to refer to your list of definitions, you don't really understand what's being said- the meaning of the words don't create and image in you, and therefore the words aren't IN you. They aren't personalized. They are external. How can you act from the external?
None of the work I had done this past week was connecting...

And then I realized that all the work I brought into class was too much 'to the book' and completely lacked any personalization.

I don't know what Hermione is saying because I can't relate to it.

It's so frustrating.

So, after many pauses and paper shuffling - I could feel myself retreating. My face was red, I was sniffling, and feeling like failure.

Again.

Feeling like I am failing at Shakespeare again.


After class, as I was making my out the door, my teacher asked, in passing - "How ya doing?" And I stopped, and sighed, and said, "Not good". She turned to me and said, "You need to allow your process".

You need to allow your process.

I'm not sure I know exactly what that means - but I do know it means I didn't prepare enough. I think subconsciously, I am still not sure if I am 'allowed' to do Shakespeare. Maybe that's why the work I brought to class was so lacking.

Maybe deep down, I don't believe I can do this.
Since I was first exposed to Shakespeare, I always thought I wasn't meant to understand it - which is basically how 'Romeo and Juliet' was taught to me in freshman English. It seems like there has always been this kind of mentality in this country when it comes to Shakespeare - that we shouldn't understand it - and if we don't understand Shakespeare, it somehow makes him more a genius - what? What is wrong with the public school system? Why is the taught to the masses to be so inaccessible?


I have inadvertently put a lot of pressure on myself in this class - I have been an out of work actor for two years, and I wanted this class to be a kind of reawakening - a new fuel for the fire, something new to ignite my creativity and passion...something I could work on and be proud of...

but I only feel fear, anger, and shame.

I don't feel any joy.

Class usually ends at 10PM, but we went an hour over. When I got home, I felt emotionally beat-up and extremely tired. But I immediately went to my notebook from grad school that I used to take notes in for every acting class. I thought that I would find some kind of reassurance that I could do this - that I am worthy to do this - but my eyes were so heavy I barely had enough time to skim the pages. I thought I would wake up this morning feeling better, having maybe a new perspective -but I didn't. My insecurity and pain is just as apparent this morning as it was last night.

So now - I am at work, barely able to focus due to lack of sleep and and emotional turmoil.

Yes, turmoil - as dramatic as that sounds.

At this point, I am fairly confident that Shakespeare may always be a struggle for me.

More then anything I feel unworthy.
And stupid.

stupid
stupid
stupid

It's times like this when I wonder if I'm meant to be an actor.

I know it's really unattractive to be so insecure in your work. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do, so I may as well own it - I just need to try and not dwell on this. And considering how lost I feel, that will be hard. But I will try my best.

So this week, I will work hard and try not to judge myself - and my process.

Keep your fingers crossed.
I don't know how I am going survive next week's class.