A Scary and Exciting Time

I can't believe it's less then a week until Christmas.

This past month has been anything but easy. My love left for New York, I moved out of my apartment, I can barely afford to purchase any gifts, and I am still in the struggle of my life - trying to figure out what I want.

What do I want?

What do I want?

I'm not quite sure yet. But I am spending a lot of time thinking about it, which has led me to some new and interesting ideas, and also caused a lot of anxiety. When I look around at my colleagues and dear friends and see them doing what they love, I am saddened again, wishing I could feel what they feel.

I never thought my life would lead me here - to a place of severe uncertainty.

But then again, I never thought I would get into graduate school or be moving to New York.

I am thankful that my mind is opening, but it's the scariest thing in the world.

What will happen to me?
Where will I end up?
Can I handle being an actor?
Do I want to be an actor?
Do I want to be an actor in NYC?

It's all terrifying and exciting. I have nothing to loose- I am starting a new journey. I have the opportunity to expand myself and live up to the potential I know I have.

But I do know this...

I know I want to be involved in a smaller community of artists who aspire to be the best human beings they can possibly be - who truly cherish the human condition in it's entirety, both the ugly and the beauty that exists in us all. I want to develop new work. I want women to be better represented, and not be limited by what others think of their appearance. I want to represent real life on stage. I am tired of seeing the same beautiful people who I can't relate to being paraded before me, making me think I don't deserve to be where they are. I want my mind to expand.  I want to help artists who have no advocate. I find that one of the biggest problems in an artist's life is insecurity, which can destroy their work, spirit, and soul. I can't begin to imagine how many wonderful artists there are in the world who quit before they knew just how much they had to offer. I want to bring out the best in people through art. I want all the bullshit to be left at the door, and that includes typecasting - which is something I don't truly believe in. Can we think outside the box, please? Everyone should have the opportunity to work. I want everyone I meet to know that they are seen, and that they have something valueable to give.

I also know I have absolutely NO tolerance for the rudeness, entitlement, belittlement, superiority, and nastiness in this business. No. None.

And yes, I know this exists everywhere, but I don't care. My core can't abide it. I see it, I'm gone. And if that limits my opportunity, then I will just have to make my own.

And, I will NOT become bitter.

Seems I have a long way to go. And I don't know what I will do in New York when I get there - and I always have a plan - but maybe, I should just see what life throws at me?