One More Year

It's my birthday today. I'm twenty-nine. I feel like I'm nineteen. I'm told I look like I'm twenty-two.

Funny.

It's almost 10pm, and I'm still at work for another two hours. Granted, no one likes to work on their birthday, but I (surprisingly) haven't minded it. Seems I need to stay busy on my birthday more then any other day of the year. I think it's because my birthday is often depressing and sad. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because it's never as special as I secretly hope it to be.

I desperately miss the days of party hats with those terribly painful rubber band straps, and taking home a little gift bag full of cheap plastic trinkets...

I am now one year away from thirty. And it's seriously scary.

Not necessarily because I will be thirty, but because there are many things I thought I would have accomplished by this age. And not having done a majority of this list makes me feel anxious and disappointed.

I feel like my life is not going in the direction I expected it go. It feels as if I took a wrong turn some ways back - but I can't remember where or when...

Several days ago my boss told me he was leaving the company for another position in Kansas. Yes, I don't like my job, but I love my boss. He is truly a kind and lovely human being, and I will be truly sad to see him go. But I am happy for him. He is taking a risk by accepting this new opportunity - and as I casually chatted with him about his decision, I thought - I need opportunity - and I need it now. And if opportunity isn't going to knock on my door, why can't I go knocking on his?

So, I asked my boss if he has any connections in corporate in regards to international job placement. I want to move to London. There are many Hilton properties in there. Maybe....maybe I could get a position abroad.

Yes. It's a leap. It most likely won't pan out. But I am starting to research job opportunities in London. Crazy.

I don't know what it is about this city. I miss it so much - and I'm not sure why. The weather is unpleasant a majority of the time, it's expensive, not to mention it is also in an economic depression...

I would be an outsider...

But I love this country.

I know it will be terribly difficult to move there. I have no idea if I would be welcomed into the theatre community. As an American, would I even be cast? Are there even any roles for me?

I don't know...but I think I want to try.

When I think about my life - I see Covent Garden, I see the tube stop at Tottenham Court Road, I see the lush, green, highlands near Edinburgh.

I need a change. A serious change.

A scary, life-altering change.

I know I am so much more then what I am at this moment. And maybe if I just stop all the bullshit inside - that voice screaming "you can't do that", "you're not good enough", or "you'll never make it"...

Maybe then, my fear will subside enough for me to finally live my life...

and be glorious.