Searching

Well, I'm still here.

Stuck.

It's been several weeks (and breakdowns) since I came to the realization that I am quite unhappy with my life, and right now, I don't know what in the world will change that fact.

Being an actor cannot give me my self- worth. And neither can beauty - or a lover.

So, here I am...drowning my sorrows in cup after cup of frozen yogurt with 'Doctor Who' on repeat. And the worst part? This is really all I have to look forward to at the end of the day. Kinda pathetic.

A perpetual nausea has started to develop when I start my drive to work everyday. Seems my body is starting to rebel.

Yes. My job is that bad.

 I have also been having intense dreams. Mostly of the intimate nature. Uh.

I am very lonely.

But I keep moving - I am just not sure in what direction. Perhaps it doesn't matter.

I continue to send in applications for employment, and I submit myself for auditions as much as I can. Being proactive doesn't necessarily make me feel better -but it doesn't make me feel worse.

I feel like Bill Murray in 'Groundhog Day' - nothing I do makes an impression or causes a rift.

It's a very unfulfilled way of life.

I also find that my mood shifts between either indifferent, distracted, or annoyance. And today I have been particularly annoyed. At people. At things. At me. Anything. I seem to be on the verge of tears, but I can't seem to cry.

I am having trouble looking at my own reflection. When I see myself, all I feel is disappointment.

It's so hard going on, day after day, wishing your life were so different - and feeling as though even if you make the effort to change now, it could take the rest of your life to get to a place you want to be.

I know life is about the journey - the experiences, the relationships...

But, at times, life can still feel hopeless. You can still wake up every morning and dread the day. You can still feel deeply, and utterly alone.

At time like this, it is hard to know the truth. Because all that seems real is the feeling.

All I want to do is run away and begin again.