Committed

It's truly funny how something so unexpected can happen in ones life, and that this event, person, experience, etc. can put your entire being into profound perspective. All of a sudden, you look in the mirror, and something has shifted. You know your life is about to change. But what's most important is that you yourself are the catalyst. Something isn't miraculously going to waltz in and completely change your life - you are going change your life. And that's powerful.

Most of the time, life doesn't just hand out bits of bliss and success. Life offers opportunity - and it's up to us to seize it.

I can't say I have ever been someone who jumps at every opportunity. I am too afraid. In fact, I am always too afraid - maybe a coward. Fear is very present in my life and it holds me back. All the time. I hate this about myself. Everyone tells me to face it - work through the fear - do what I'm afraid off, and the fear will lessen. Well, let me tell you, the fear has yet to lessen - in any capacity. It's always as potent as the first burst of panic one feels when faced with potential failure - and my greatest and deepest fear - that terror in the center of my being - is that I am not good enough.

Not good enough to be an actor.
Not good enough to be loved.
Not good enough to deserve what I want.

Simply, not good enough to succeed.

I have spent this entire year soul searching - thinking about what I want. I have spent countless hours alone in my apartment lying in my middle of kitchen - staring at the random hook in my ceiling - scraping the deepest corners of my mind for the truth - what would make me happy? What would bring me bliss? At then end of all things, when I look back on my life - what would make me proud to have been me?

Here's my rough draft misson statement: I want to prove to myself that I am good enough for anything, and that I deserve what I want.

I often feel that my dreams are better then me. Very strange. Perhaps that's why I have never fully committed to the life of being an actor. What if I can't cut it? How would it feel to fail? But aren't I failing already by not fully committing to it? Yes, my job still doesn't allow me much  room for auditions, and yes, I am broke - but, am I just making excuses? I suppose so. Maybe I am just trying to keep myself safe.
Safe. Who wants to live a safe life?

Do I really want to spend all my time downing frozen yogurt and watching Doctor Who?

No.

I have only recently begun to actively live my life. And the more I apply for work, go on interviews, and submit myself for auditions - the stronger my desire is for a drastic change - the need to go somewhere scary and new. Somewhere that doesn't feel safe. Somewhere I am forced to face my demons.

London is the love of my life, and I truly believe I will be there one day, but I don't know if I can get there now. Besides, simply researching how to get to London is a job in itself. Maybe I should just plan a visit for now.

We all know this leaves me two options: NYC or LA, and both of these cities scare the pants off me.

I initial chose Chicago because it felt safe. It's close to home, and family. It's familiar. I could see myself here. But the past two years have been difficult on so many levels. I have been very unfulfilled. I have put so much on hold. I've lost my purpose.

I haven't had purpose for a long time.

I think I am on the right path - I am self aware, and spending a lot of time thinking seriously about change. I am preparing to be unstuck. I want to throw myself into the fire - fully committing to the flames.

One of the greatest comforts is knowing that I will not be here forever. I will move on. And I will do it with vigor, tenacity, and strength. I will be true.

I must be true.

It's time to be committed. And now I have the perspective to start.