Depression

I have been meaning to post something for weeks. But I haven't felt that chatty. And I still don't, but I figure that is reason enough to write.

 I am sad; depressed. 

I had a panic attach about two weeks ago, and all I could think of was "I can't believe I am back here again...back to this terrible place".

Clinical depression is an often miss understood, and understated disease. Studies have shown that if you have suffered from it once, you will most likely relapse periodically through your life. I spent a little over three years in a deep clinical depression in high school, and now, I am experiencing my first brush with it again. And it's really scary.

Depression is more then a feeling, or even a state of being. It infiltrates your core. It's living with the belief that hope does not exist. It's living only inside yourself, where desire and happiness are unknown - succumbing to the fact that there is nothing in life that is good. Or even worth living for.

I am by no means that far gone. But that hopelessness is really beginning to worm it's way into my heart. It's getting easier and easier to believe all the bad things about myself, and life - and it's getting much, much harder to hang onto the good.

It is easier to pull myself out of this place when I am with friends, but it's a constant battle. And I am alone more then I am with others.

I know why this has happened.

I am living a shell of a life. Going through the motions just so I can afford to live. It's necessary, but soul wrenching.

There are two things that have caused me to slip; one being my job and the other being that I am not acting.

I have been looking for a new job for over six months. I have been on more than a dozen interviews. I have only been asked back twice for a second. One gentleman didn't want to hire me because he thought we got along too well. Apparently his fear was that we wouldn't get any work done. I talked with him for over two hours on my interview...come on.

I work with a staffing agency in the city (who are wonderful), but they constantly send me on interviews for very high powered companies, with pristine, chic offices. It's overwhelming. I arrive in a suit, which I look terrible in, trying to convince them that I 'belong'.

It's exhausting.

Not to mention that I believe myself to be under-qualified for about 60% of the positions I am applying for.

I can't go on ONE more interview like this...

I feel so defeated.

On top of all these interviews (which I mostly attend on my days off because of my truly horrid work schedule), I work full time at a job that is eating away at me. I work crazy hours which allows me absolutely NO social life. Not only do I commute over an hour everyday, but I sometimes have to come in early to stay late on a moments notice. Calling in sick is virtually impossible, and I do a lot of work that isn't required of me and that I don't get compensated for. In order to go to an audition, I usually have to take a day off...and I can only request two days off a month.

I could go on and on about how my job is killing me, but I won't. The most important thing is to get a new one. But even that feels futile. I'm tired...very tired. Working full time and looking for a job, all the while trying to manage an artist's career and a social life is impossible at this point. I've had so many disappointments in such a short amount of time. It's hard to continue...

When I do audition, I don't usually feel confident in my work. My fear and anxiety effect my performance to the point where I am embarrassed. I choke. And my work isn't spontaneous or risky - and as an actor, I will NEVER get to where I want to be if I don't just let it all go...and yet, that seems like most terrifying thing I can think of right now...letting go.

Yes, I know. I am VERY hard on myself. And I often don't believe in my own abilities. But I need to really start working on my soul - trying to find what I need to be happy. And right now, I don't know what that is.

I don't even know what happy means. I just feel very sad. Lost. Alone.

Stuck.

All I want to do is sleep and eat. It's hard to get excited about anything...even an audition.

Especially an audition.

I pray God has a plan. Because I sure as hell don't.