The Big Leap

I leave for New York today.

Dear God. I am SO nervous.

Anxious, excited, terrified.

I think I was possibly this nervous during my grad school auditions. I remember feeling so small shuffling through the pockets of hopeful auditionees; young actors sprawled on hotel carpets, preparing. It was so strange, even for an actor. It felt very unnatural. I remember feeling like I couldn't manage it all - I felt so out of my element - and the anxiety - Lord, the anxiety. Not only was I paying to be seen, but I was desperately trying my hardest to make an impression. After it was all over, I was convinced there was no way I was going to get an offer. I starting making other plans. But I got that call on the one morning I decided to skip class.

Clearly, I made a good impression because I got into the school of my choice. And I did well during those grueling auditions, even though I was certain I had failed miserably. I made it through. I went to graduate school. I got an MFA. History has shown that I can handle massive pressure and still perform - and perform well. Graduate school changed my life. I finally began to solidify, to develop a solid sense of self. In graduate school, I grew up. It is where my adult life began.

After graduate school...I'm not sure what happened. I completely chickened out and moved back to Chicago instead of moving to New York. My family is in Chicago, I knew this place - it was "safe". I thought it would be easier. It's been a little over three years now, and Chicago hasn't been the city I wanted it to be, and honestly, I should have known better. Being here, I feel as if I have taken steps back. I'm too close to my family. I find I do better in life and take bigger risks when I am forced to be on my own, and when I am farther away from my roots. The comfort of home is often a disservice for me. I get too comfortable and then I get stuck.

And I have felt stuck here for a while.

But, if I hadn't had come to Chicago, I would never have met the love of my life, stood up in my mother's wedding, met new and amazing friends, or known the ultimate kindness of being taken into a dear friend's home so I could save some money. Professionally, it's been a bad three years - socially, it's been very fulfilling.

But - I want it all, I want the professional life and the social life. I want to work hard and make strides in my artist life, and I cannot do that here. I can't do that in Chicago, at least, not now.

So, here I go - into the complete unknown.

It's time to let go and trust.

Wish me luck.