"Are there any aminals in here?"

I didn't sleep well last night.

Actually, I haven't had a decent night's sleep since we adopted the kitties. Benedict likes to bite my head, purr, and knead my hair at 5am, which is his way of asking to be fed. It's cute and awful at the same time.

I think the real reason I haven't been sleeping well is my anxiety - that dull ache of uncertianty.

I keep thinking about Chicago, also about how I need to make a disucion on what to do with my life soon, and about how I am still so dissapointed that my social life is lacking in NYC, and that people I was so happy to have back in my life here - I rarely see. Things change - yes. Life happens. People change. But I can't stop that sadness of knowing that people I was once close to have somehow drifted away from - and that just sucks. But I also know that that's life.

I miss grad school. And I know I will never be the person I was back then again. I just need to accept that...

I just really miss that feeling of community. And New York still doesn't feel like a home - so finding a sense of community in this city has been hard. Also, no one wants to travel to see you, and a night out with friends can easily cost you $70.

I've been feeling depressed as well. While I have started some new and excited endevours, I'm still feeling a little empty and nervous for my future.

I have no drive, not really any passion. I keep thinking I might suddenly become inspired, but that's not happening. That's probably wishful thinking anyway.

I took a sewing class which turned out to be a waste of money and basically a bust. They asked me to do 14 hours of sewing outside of class...which is impossible. I have a job!

Honestly, the only thing I'm even remotely interested in are my cats. I'm fascinated by them, and in turn have been doing a lot of rescheach on feline behavior. Basically, I'm a 'crazy cat lady' in training. I can barely express how much joy Benedict and Sonya bring me every day.

When I auditioned for grad school, I was completely convinced that I bombed my audition - so much so that I began researching positions and careers in the animal care and rescue industry within hours of my audition. I believed that I wouldn't be an actor and that I wouldn't be going to grad school. And then, I got in and I dropped the animal career ideas. It happened really fast.

And now - after spending all that money to get my MFA - I'm thinking again about this all again. It's been seven years.

I've been thinking really hard about things that bring me true joy - and relationship with animals is the only (and ironically strongest) thing that comes to my mind.

And since adopting my cats, it's become more evident. I'm not really sure what to do with this realization, and that's frustrating.

How do you combine a theatre degree and a love of animals??

I have no idea.

So I research.

All I really know if that I love living creatures, and I feel a connection to them in a way that's completely unique to anything I've ever known.

I also believe that the bond between human and animals is very profound. It's strong and powerful and those animal/human relationships are special.

It's nice to feel strongly about something again - but I just wish I knew where it was going.