The Great Identity Search

I haven't gotten much sleep lately.

And I'm sick. Ugh. I've had a terrible cold for over a week now- a constant runny nose, painful cough, and fatigue. I am also working on an intense collection of plays that open in rep in Chicago this week. Oh - and I'm working full time at a job that is greatly understaffed at the moment, which means more work for me.

I have really enjoyed being apart of a show again, although, I have found it a little frustrating. I really wanted to devote more time as an assistant director to this work - spend time with the creative team and the cast - just be more involved, but that just hasn't happened. And that fact has disappointed me more than I thought. I don't feel as much of a member of this process as I would like. It makes me feel sad.

Several weeks ago, I had a heart to heart with myself, and decided I needed to let myself off the hook. I have been trying desperately to find something to do - to give me worth - to put my energy towards. I have been frantically grasping at ideas, thoughts - anything that I could possibly make a career out of. In a desperate attempt I have even made a list of "things I like/things I am good at" like I'm in grade school...but nothing I scribble down hits me or makes me think, "Yup, that's it! That's what I should be doing". Instead I just feel empty and annoyed. I have been driving myself ragged with the pressure of the search. The battle raging within myself feels never ending. I have started emotionally eating again...

Fuck.

So, what do I do?

Well, I decided I had to stop trying.

Stop trying to "figure it out". Clearly, nothing is going to change for me overnight. Right now, I need to accept that I am going through a shitty period, and I need to learn how to deal with that. I need to be okay with being uncomfortable. And you know what, after I made this decision I felt....relieved.

I felt true and utter relief, and that really surprised me - and even bothered me. That weight that has been on my shoulders is almost completely gone, which tells me that this was the right thing for me to do.

But it's so hard to let it go. Especially at a time when I am working on a show, and I'm not acting in it.

We had our first day in the performance space two days ago, and the moment I stepped inside the theatre I felt...strange. I looked at the stage, the set, the actors - and  I couldn't decide if I felt at home or like a stranger...

Last night, I was asked if I miss it - the theatre, acting.

"Do you miss it?"

And I can honestly say, yes - and no. I wish it was big confident 'yes', but it's both. Yes, I miss acting, and no, I don't miss the anxiety, the fear, the severe insecurity, the persistent question of "Am I good at this?" - going to auditions and feeling like I have no power in the room, like I am begging someone to throw me bone - trying desperately to fit someone else's view of a role just so I can work..

I know I sound like a broken record, complaining often about this...it's just, this is so terribly scary.
Sometimes, I feel like I need a miracle.
But I need to be my own miracle, don't I?

I just want to find my place.
A place that is mine.
My place.