The Weight Issue

I will fully own and admit that the one thing I think about most is my body. If I pass a mirror, I am compelled to look in it. I don't think I have ever passed a reflected surface that I haven't glanced into.

I know I can be very self centered. I may even possess some tendencies that border on narcissistic - but unlike most narcissists, I am rarley satisfied with what I see. Since I can remember, I have spent countless hours in the day thinking about how I look. And the thoughts are almost always negative.

There is such a stigma in regards to women and weight. It truly is insane. We have to hide our insecurities from our spouses - never daring to ask the infamous "do I look fat in this?" But we can and are expected to  talk about the issue with our close friends.Of course, it's a 'girl thing'. If you are constantly referring to yourself as 'fat' and are in fact, not fat, you are the quintessential self-centered bitch who makes everyone around you miserable. If you are overly confident in your body and beauty, proclaiming from the rooftops how you love yourself and how you don't care what people say about you - you are still a bitch. And if you don't talk about it - well, the world may be happier, but you won't be.

We need to talk about it. We need to talk about why weight is an issue - why beauty is an issue. We need to talk about why we have been focusing on this for so long. And most importantly, we need to acknowledge the fact that the whole thing is completely absurd.

When I was a young, I didn't realize that when I saw Brook Shields in a Calvin Klein ad, or when I flipped through the pages of Glamour - or when I saw Julia Roberts in 'Pretty Woman', that I was being imprinted on. Conditioned. And little did I know that over the rest of my adolescences and into my adulthood that I would unconsciously develop an idea of what beauty was.

And that idea soon became fact.

Beauty was the way Julia Roberts laughed, how Angelia Jolie used her lips, and how Niomi Campbell walked down the runway.

And who was I? How does a girl grow up with these women as role models?

I would look in the mirror and be perplexed at the fact that I didn't look anything like what I saw in magazines. Why would the world drive this idea of beauty into me without the truth of it - that I won't ever look like Charlize Theron.

I had been told since before I knew that these women were the fact, and that I was the fiction.

I don't write this to get any kind of reinforcement from others about my own appearance. I don't write this for others to tell me I am beautiful, and in turn, validate me. Although we often forget, we all know that no one can give you self worth. We can only give that to ourselves. And this is what I am trying to do - understanding where all the dirt inside my head comes from. Why when I look in them mirror, I only see room for improvement.

Often, I stand naked in front of the mirror, turn to the side, and stretch my arms to the ceiling - standing on my tip toes. I look thin this way. This is how I want my body to be. And then the mind fuck begins:

"I would look great like this, I could maybe get an audition for television like this. I wonder if I got the audition if they would tell me to loose weight? Hmm, why is it whenever I am naked with someone, I am 15 pounds overweight? Damnit. I can't believe when I was a size 4... I was single...what a waste. Blah. I need a haircut. Eh. This body isn't enough. I'm insane. Just get in the shower already...you're going to be late for work...again."

I know my happiness doesn't rely on 15 pounds, but my mind sure as hell tries to convince me that's the truth.

Low self-esteem, body dismorphic disorder, negative thinking, 'if only's' - it's all an epidemic.

When I take a moment and step back to look at myself - I think I don't want my daughter to feel the way I do. To be a victim in your own skin. To be trapped in what you believe is unworthy. If I don't learn to love myself and my body, and I mean TRULY love the woman I am, belly rolls and all - how in God's name can I bring a girl into this world and teach her to believe in her beauty and power when I don't believe in my own?

I stepped away from E!News, and People.com. I buy less issues of Vogue and Glamour. I am trying to cleanse the images of an air-brushed perfection from my mind so I stop relating them to reality. I need to embrace that what I have is more beautiful...because it's real and genuine, and not an idea.

Stepping out of the comfort zone is always a struggle. For me, it's a fight.

But I am sick of falling prey to culture. I know I will always be affected by images, sounds, film - everything around me. I will always have to find a balance of the fantasy and reality. I may never stop searching for my reflection walking buy a store front window - but maybe now I can be proud of what I have to offer this colorful and intricate world.

Confidence.
Light.
Love.