What is it about Love?

I have been having a lot of dreams lately about men.

Sometimes they're the kind of dreams that stick with you all day - the ones that you could swear were real. The surround-sound kind where you remember very detail - the touch of his skin, the warmth of breath on your face...and then there are the kind where all you can remember when you wake up is how blissfully happy you were when you were asleep.

I have never been in love. Not the 'adult' kind anyway. I was in love when I was 17 - the crazy, consuming kind, where all you can think about is getting in each other pants. But haven't we all had that? I know the kind of love that is pure and honest - the kind that comes from loving and being loved by family and friends. That kind of acceptance is powerful and vital to living. But the kind I would like to experience - the burning, intense, meaningful, intimate kind with a man....I don't know what that's like. I think I have a kind of idea. Unfortunately, I haven't dated anyone long enough to even have the opportunity to begin the process of 'falling' in love.

Most women have some idea of a kind of romantic love which comes from their father. The first relationship a girl has is with her father. And my father had no idea how to treat or how to relate to women - so I have a very limited view on how I should be treated. Not to mention, my parents are divorced. They were married for about 30 years. I can't even look to them for a model.  I don't want to say that it's all my father's fault. I have said that for years - and I am tired of putting all the blame on his shoulders. I've been mad at him since I was 12. I keep saying I am going to confront him someday....I think I need to soon.

My father's love was conditional. As long as I did or acted the way he thought was acceptable, I was given affection. I actually wrote a theatre piece about this - which I performed in grad school. It was healing for me - but I am not sure if I will ever be able to move on until I tell him to his face how I have been hurt by him.

My father never set an example on how I should be treated by the opposite sex. He wasn't a good model. Relationships and sex are a territory he was VERY uncomfortable with. I basically learned that I shouldn't be myself, and I shouldn't ever say the wrong thing - or I would be abandoned. I learned that loving me is hard - I am difficult to love...that loving me is conditional.  I think in every relationship I have been in (which is very few) I have been terrified to be honest. I assume that I will say something that will upset whoever I am with, and they will leave.

Maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe I don't deserve to be loved.

So now, here I am....28 years old - two years away from 30 - and I feel like I have failed at some kind of mile-marker. Shouldn't I have experienced this already? Shouldn't I be running around having crazy awesome sex with someone, or meeting his parents, or having insightful conversations while lying in bed on a Sunday morning? Do you know how many times I have had to go to family holiday dinners without a boyfriend?? Almost all of my cousins are married (2 of them are younger then me), and my brothers always have a significant other by their side. And every Christmas Eve, my father will ask about my love life....and I never have anything to say.

I am just embarrassed really. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I rarely have men ask me out. If I do get asked out, it's while I am working at the hotel - and the men are old/and or unbelievably creepy and inappropriate. I even had a stalker for over 8 months. He sent me flowers, candy, begged me to go out with him. He was really pushy. He was Brazilian. Eh. Shoot me.

I guess what I am saying is, I am lonely. And I never say that. I am not usually lonely. I love living alone. But lately, I am just aching for someone to hold me. I think people really underestimate the power of human touch. We all need touch. And I don't mean the naughty kind. A touch on the arm in assurance, a pat on the back, a hug....it creates connection and intimacy. We are all just looking for connection.

And right now, it's what I want most.